The Rum Diary
by Max Rasgar
Summary: The short walk from the tavern was filled with giggles, which were caused by Captain Hook's groping of the barmaids backside. Until the couple reached the pier and the pirate felt the need to sweep the barmaid off her feet and carry her into the threshold of his ship, while proclaiming that he has carried barrels of rum heavier than her.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything and I mean that.

A/N: The sole function, purpose of this story is to make you laugh; my motives aren't any deeper than that.

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><p><strong>(#The Rum Diary#)<strong>

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><p>A pirate's life is one borne of the sea; a passionate way of life, but also one of decadence and irreverence towards the order of life. Therefore such a well-spring cannot be contained indefinitely, for the vitality of life demands an offering from time to time. So begins the story of a man with noble beginnings, who became a pirate when such origins began to wear around its rugged edges until it was completely sullied by lies, rum and the lusty pursuits of certain types of women. For after many long nights, being rocked gently, sometimes none too gently by the seas, a man has a need to let go.<p>

Captain Killian Jones or better known by all as Captain Hook walks along the dock. The boards squeak at the nails due to the water that churns beneath, and his steps are those of purpose, intent and hurried due to the nice erection that he is sporting down the left leg of his leather trousers. The stretched, tanned and warm cowhide is providing a pleasant friction, but it will not do for what he truly craves to ease his manhood back into a dormant state. A spirited and wanton wet wench will do and she must be willing which isn't hard to come by since his charms never fail him when a woman is concerned. Perhaps it's not so odd that his charms also work on men, but he has no desire to be anyone's bottom or its more colorful word-bitch.

The still stiffening pirate pauses at the pier and reaches into his coat pocket to retrieve his flask of rum. Several swallows through the day help him to get by and unlike most men; alcohol doesn't make him go soft, it fuels him to last longer than any other man alive or so he believes. The Captain replaces his flask and continues on while resisting the urge to grab his manhood and readjust it, but in its current state there are no calmer waters to move it to.

"Mr. Smee!"

The other more chunky, two-legged and red-hatted first mate runs at his Captains call.

"I'll be at the 'Eager Beaver' tavern, Smee." Captain Hook says to his heavy-breathing and bearded first mate. "Watch the ship, keep the lads in line after they return from wherever they've absconded to and I'll be back later."

"Yes, Captain, sir!"

The Captain makes it a few steps before his other first mate calls out to him.

"Sir! I've noticed more than a few rats aboard the ship, should I take care of it?"

Hook turns around too quickly and the swollen first mate in his pants suddenly protesting under its leather restraint makes him flinch.

"Do what needs to be done Mr. Smee, but don't let people see you running around my deck trying to dispatch rats with an infernal mop!"

"Yes sir!" Mr. Smee says while adjusting the old red wool hat on his head.

"Carry on then." Captain Hook says, thus dismissing his other first mate.

The night is calm and the stars litter the sky overhead as Captain Hook walks down the cobblestone street; it has a particular sound under his boots that adds to the atmosphere, and the evening air is cool but not enough so that will shrink his erection that's beginning to smart with each step. Because the leather of his trousers is squeezing tightly to his thigh; his first mate down below is feeling the pinch a bit more now.

After arriving at the tavern and securing a bottle of rum Captain Hook's attention moves about the room. Several women catch his eye; the dark ladies are his absolute favorite, but anything attractive and female will do for the night. Then the pirate spots her. How could he miss such a beauty in such a low place? Her golden hair catches in the low lamp light and shines like golden wheat in a field of endless sunshine. Then as if he is a flame and she is but a moth, the woman draws closer and the pirates eyes are transfixed on a delectable space, which is the display of flesh that is the pale tops of the barmaid's breasts. The Captain tries to hide his excitement by fidgeting on his seat. You see his erection has not wavered, it has been kept a stir by the other women in the tavern. But now the other eager women about the room have ceased to be relevant options for his evening ahead.

The Captain impressed by the barmaid's advances and heavy-handed flirting about ships passing closely in the night. For Hook the opportunity to seal the deal happens when his erection becomes truly painful. So he invites the buxom barmaid or possibly she's just a common wench back to his ship, to see his close quarters where he can swab her deck with his hands, while pulling into port, several times. She plays hard to get and her hand lands on his thigh; almost too high, because had she touched him on his first mate right then, the tide would've came in early.

The barmaid places her hand high on Hooks left thigh. "I can feel that you've had a hard day." She says seductively while running her hand over the ridged leather of his pants. "I can make all that feel better if you like?"

"Think you can love?" Captain Hook retorts with a smarmy smile. "It might be more than you can handle."

The barmaid smirks and removes her hand from his thigh, then reaches for her small cup of rum. "Oh, I can handle you but can you handle your rum?"

Hook watches the brazen woman toss back the entire swig of rum without so much as a cough, and he responds in kind; downing the entire overflowing contents of his own small silver cup of strong rum. The barmaid chuckles and reaches for the polished hook where the pirates hand would have been, and then looking into his deep blue eyes she licks her lips and the pirate's lower member feels like bursting through his trousers to salute her.

So in a fit of urgency Captain Hook stands up from the bench at the small table in the tavern the barmaids attention drifts south past his equator and she clearly sees the outline down the leg of his trousers. It excites her for a second until at the same time said pirate; feeling so sure of himself, boasts about being able to find another woman should she not want the 'nightcap' he is offering on his ship. The statement annoys the barmaid but not enough to pass on the opportunity to bed such a pretty and possibly well-endowed man. But the barmaid does think that he does have more than a fair amount of chest hair, however she has long since decided to overlook that feature.

The short walk from the tavern was filled with giggles, which were caused by Captain Hook's groping of the barmaids backside. Until the couple reached the pier and the pirate felt the need to sweep the barmaid off her feet and carry her into the threshold of his ship, while proclaiming that he has carried barrels of rum heavier than her. But in truth his first mate feels as though its ready to spill its contents, that and the pirate wanted a closer look at the barmaids treasure 'chest' before they get underway.

"Captain!" Mr. Smee shouts at Hook who has his arms full of wench and is crossing the gangplank. "I think I found and destroyed every rat on the ship, sir."

The Captain almost loses his footing and nearly drops his armful, due to this evening's rum consumption. "Very good Mr. Smee, but if you don't mind I have personal business to tend to now."

Mr. Smee looks closely at the woman in his Captains arms. He decides that she's pretty enough but much too slutty and worldly for him, but he also knows all too well that's how the Captain prefers his conquests, lately. Secretly Mr. Smee thinks that in the future Captain Hook should be more discerning, or else no decent woman will ever be serious about him.

"Yes, sir! Have a goodnight." Mr. Smee says, excusing himself from the situation. So with his mop slung over his shoulder the other first mate goes below deck, at about the same moment that Hook takes his wench and the first mate in his trousers below deck too.

Rapid movements and frantic kisses occur in succession, while Captain Hook takes the barmaid from the foot of the steps to his bed in his quarters. The barmaid thinks that the pirate is a mediocre kisser. While the pirate thinks that she barmaids hands on his face had better not smudge his carefully applied eyeliner.

Hook leans away from the barmaid's lips and smiles at her. "My bed would be a good place to start, for now."

The barmaid laughs, grabs Hook by the lapels of his leather coat and pushes him backwards; he lands on the bed with a bounce.

"You're a feisty one." Captain Hook says with a smirk. "I like that."

The barmaid smiles and climbs on Hooks lap, while undoing the front of her corset. But in her impatience she swiftly abandons her disrobing and instead begins to undo the front of the pirate's pants. She is all too eager to finally see what has tempted her all evening, but once the view is revealed to her eyes the lady is unimpressed and suddenly not all that eager anymore. Apparently the pirate chooses to wear pants that are too tight, which in turn makes his penis appear bigger when hidden. And not only was the view false in matters of size, but it was also false in terms of its readiness to perform. With a disappointed and sobering sigh the barmaid sits back in Hook's thighs, which finally gets the pirate's distracted attention. He was waiting for something to start happening on the barmaids end to his first mate and apparently she's decided to only make him wait.

But then Hook looks from the frowning wench, down at his manhood, blinks and then blinks again. "Apologies love, I thought my first mate was at full sail but it appears that the good lad is half-mast at best."

The blonde barmaid with the cavernous décolletage pats Hook's hairy chest and then climbs completely off his lap. "It's alright, I'm tired anyways."

"Wait give us a second! I had the good lad stiff as a board most of the night!" Hook says emphatically while trying to sit up, but sadly his vision begins to blur and then it appears that not one but three wenches are now in his Captain's Quarters. "Not complaining love, but who said you could invite your sisters along tonight?" The barmaid rolls her eyes. "Not that I mind a little group activity."

The barmaid stops trying to tie up the laces at the front of her corset to glare at the man whose company she was going to keep for the night. She thought he was strikingly handsome and charming, but now she thinks it's a good thing that the drunken man slut couldn't get it up for her. Furthermore, the barmaid realizes that she's not drunk enough to forget tonight even if it had gone the way she and the pirate had intended it to go.

"Well me and my sisters had better get going, Hook." The barmaid says as she climbs up the ladder and had she bothered to look back she would've seen that the Captain of the 'Jolly Roger' had already passed out.

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><p>Emma slams the storybook closed and prays to the little baby messiah in his lumpy straw bed that Henry hasn't read this story about Captain Hook. The prayer is most likely a long shot, but even if that doesn't pan out there's always good old-fashioned hope.<p>

"Hey Ma," Speak of the devil and he appears in the form of a fifteen-year old boy. "What are you doing reading that old thing?" Henry asks and even after hearing his deepening voice for over a year and a half now Emma is still getting used to it.

Emma fidgets with the book on her lap and flexes her hands on the soft brown leather cover. "I just felt like it, kid."

"Alright, that's cool." Henry says as he sits down on the sofa next to his other mother. "So what story were you reading?"

'There is no Hope; she's dead and her sister Mercy is a bitch!' Emma thinks to herself while giving her son a small smile.

"Well, I was just skimming around and then I decided to read this odd story about Killian that I hadn't noticed before."

"Huh, which one was that?" Henry manages to ask innocently, even though he suspects which story his mother has found. His next thought is how much fun this could be because he doesn't get many opportunities to embarrass Emma; she's had all the fun in that category for a while now.

"Uh..." Emma closes her eyes for a second and prays for Mercy just for the hell of it. "Henry did you...have you...read every single story in this book?"

"Yeah, but I don't really remember every single one that well anymore and new ones started to pop up and I just quit after a while." Henry answers with the straightest face he can pull off, for now. "So are you gonna tell me which one it is that you read or not?"

Emma swallows roughly because her tongue feels like it hasn't seen water in months all of the sudden. But after a small silence that Emma feels is getting more awkward by the second, she finally answers. "The story was about Captain Hook making port at some civilized place in the Enchanted Forest." Emma looks away from her son to stare at the storybook in her lap, while wishing for the invisibility cloak from the Potter books. "Uh...Mr. Smee was in it and some barmaid...and yeah it was a boring story kid because I've forgotten the plot in fact I don't think it even had one."

Henry is dying, to laugh that is. Emma said all that without taking a breath and her cheeks are getting red and she looks like she's about to throw herself out the most convenient window probably without even bothering to open it first.

Henry snorts because he can't hold it in anymore. "I think you mean the one about Captain Hook's penis?"

"Henry!"

"What? It's not like I don't own one of those too!"

"Oh God make it stop!"

"What's so bad about me saying penis?"

"Stop saying penis before your mom hears us!" Emma shouts which makes Henry laugh out loud finally.

"Penis is actually a funny word." Henry says while laughing; his cheeks rosy from said action not the topic. "I mean who thought up calling it that anyway?"

Emma finally gives in and laughs with her son which helps to shakes off her embarrassment that is until she picks up on the sound of expensive clicking heels stop at the sofa. Emma squeezes her eyes shut and presses her lips together in a very thin line.

"Why were you two discussing male genitalia?" Regina asks sternly but still flashes a smile in her son's direction. "I thought we had covered this topic some time ago."

Emma opens her eyes and looks up at her spouse; giving her the absolute best apologetic 'big puppy dog eyes' face.

"We weren't Mom, not really." Henry replies helpfully while Emma chooses to remain silent for as long as she can get away with it. "I was just asking Ma a question and the answer involved penis..."

"Okay that's enough!" Emma interrupts her son, who is trying to hold in his laughter because he just landed a high score in getting his biological mother all red-faced again. "Kid, I'll pay you if you stop saying that word for at least the next five minutes."

Henry just smiles and scoots closer to Emma on the sofa. He loves how both of his parents don't really fight anymore; they haven't in years. Now they just bicker and make eyes at each other even more, and most of it makes him laugh while the majority of it grosses him out a little more each time he has to see it.

"Regina it's not as bad as it might have sounded, we were discussing..." Emma starts before tossing the storybook onto the empty cushion beside her on the sofa. "Well, me and the kid were just talking about..." She tries again while rubbing her palms on the thighs of her jeans, but pauses again because there is now way in hell that she wants to talk about Hook's 'whiskey dick' with Regina; cock-full-of-rum sounds dumb and completely filthy. Furthermore, having already talked around it with Henry was bad enough, and she knows now that he tricked her into it just so he could laugh at her.

With each passing second Regina becomes highly amused herself now at Emma's flustered state, it's rather adorable. But then Regina notices the discarded storybook and next Henry's expression of trying to hold in laughter, which looks rather painful at this point.

"Oh Emma, I adore that tale about Hook's flaccid penis." Regina says with a mischievous smile and her son bursts with laughter. "It never fails to amuse me and it was especially helpful during the time you were willingly consorting with that letch." With his eyes watering Henry leans against Emma for a moment but then he falls over to the other side of the empty sofa; still laughing. Regina smirks but manages to control her laughter before she continues. "I did think about showing you the story so that you might've educated yourself, but then you journeyed back in time with the man and saw several versions of his 'character'." Regina places her hand on the sofa's armrest and leans down towards Emma. "So I deemed the story unneeded, that and in the end I felt it was best to go on and let you make your mistake; you know get it out of your system."

Emma frowns at Regina but she just smiles and then leans down all the way so that she can whisper in Emma's ear. "And I've always thought the renderings of the barmaid resembled you quite a lot dear, is there anything you feel like telling me?"

Emma turns to look at Regina; who has moved away, and shakes her head slightly in an unspoken 'no' to Regina's question. While on the inside; safe in her inner most thoughts, Emma is glad that she didn't spread like peanut butter for Captain Hook when she stupidly dated and made-out with him. And while she's at it that definitely includes both versions of him while she was 'visiting' in the past. And finally to throw in one last jibe; curse that fucking twisted tattle-tale storybook, because she did not lust after Hook's junk! But it was right about her overlooking his serious flat bush of chest hair.

Emma is jolted out of her thoughts by Henry hugging her while laughing, which is then followed by Regina's damn sexy dark chuckle. Emma looks up at Regina and rolls her eyes at her before hugging Henry back.

**(#END#)**

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><p><strong><span>Soundtrack:<span>****"Elegantly Wasted" by Inxs, "Drinkin' Problem" by Rehab, "You Ain't The First" by Guns-N-Roses & "Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss" by Bloodhound Gang**

**Final Words: ****Yeah, I wrote a story about a 'walking hard on', pun intended. The things I write to amuse myself and just maybe the few brave souls who've read this shit. (This means you; don't think I don't see you!) Please note that any hate towards this piece of fiction will be forwarded strictly 'return to sender.**


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